This morning, I share some wonderful moments of love, just love, love that is not bounded by race, religion, sexual orientation, age or disability. This is a beautiful video. Please enjoy it and know that this is the world I want to live in.
Tag Archives: love
What makes me strong? What keeps me from breaking under the load we all call life?
I have been asking that question for a dozen years. My husband has been hospitalized more than 30 times since 2001. He had bladder cancer. He just kept growing tumors and finally they had to take his bladder out and put in a conduit to the ostomy that we now call Fred.
Then he had infections – and more infections and yet again, infections. Over the last 10 years we have spent our vacations in the most expensive resort in the country – the hospital. A jail cell really but it’s mostly white with nice subdued drapes and wardens dressed as nurses in navy blue.
Recently, my husband did hand to hand combat with melanoma which made a difference in how we spend our time, our money, our personal currency.
Now, he is being laid off. He will be 60 when the axe finally falls. He will be too old to employ – too young for social security or medicare. And he will still be sick, still be in the hospital 2 or 3 times a year and still be the man I love with all my heart.
I am a master’s prepared, professional who is applying for jobs as a receptionist, an administrative assistant., a dog walker, anything to get a job that will help bridge the gap between his layoff and his 65th birthday.
But I can’t get a job. We can’t sell our house. And we cannot stop the layoff that is rolling toward us at the speed of light.
How did this happen? When did we become part of the fringe that cannot sustain itself in this country – the land of the brave, the land of the free?
Welcome to America – 2012. Welcome to our country where people work and do a good job and pay their taxes and still get screwed. This is the land where the rich once again get richer and the rest of us pay for their privilege.
We”ll keep fighting. We will stay together. We will find a way, smaller, narrower but still together. But is this what is supposed to happen to people who have lived a good life? Worked hard? Helped out our families?
Who knows? All I know is that this is our lot. And this we will face together — until death do us part.
I am starting to fear silence again, filling it with sound, running from whatever my head or heart is trying to tell me. Does this happen to you?
These are the moments when I cannot sit still. My eyes move from place to place. My skin itches. I must jump up and fill the time before….before what? What could my inner self have to say that so frightens my outer self?
In the past, these moments have led to insight. In the past, these moments meant personal growth. But what am I supposed to learn this time?
I feel too old to learn, too sure of the knowledge that my time has passed. I am walking slowly toward death, my own, my loved ones but death nonetheless.
Maybe it’s the coming of winter, the rare October snow we just had. Maybe it’s the approach of daylight savings — long, dark afternoons into longer, darker nights. Maybe it’s my feeling that I am no longer the all powerful wizard of my early days, the one with all the answers.
Maybe it’s because I fear this lesson has much broader implications.
The future keeps crowding into the present – the outside world into my small, sweet corner of it. Our world, the world I grew up in, the world we hippies and peaceniks changed, the world we loved, was proud of, is disappearing.
Spinning faster and faster away from me, it has moved on its axis to a place of, “I’ve got mine; the rest of you, go away.” This world is a foreign place for me and I hold no answers on how to fix it.
How I wish I was still that wizard of my younger years and able to make the coming years as rich and warm for my daughter and grandchildren as they were for me. How I wish the future would not loom on the ever darkening horizon of financial woes, economic downturns. How I wish our “elected officials” would actually do more to earn their pay and less to get re-elected.
Politicians have lost their way. Honor no longer goes with the job; passion for what’s right, not what’s personally enriching has disappeared, replaced by greed and guile.
Perhaps this is the lesson I am being forced to learn — there is no easy way out of this huge and frightening mess our country is in, no easy way to close the gap between the ridiculously rich and the grindingly poor. Perhaps politicians should have to face only one test to run for office.
Do they have a terminal illness?
If only the dying were allowed to run for office, maybe, just maybe it might help them focus on what’s truly important instead of what’s expedient.